Being Okay With "Maybe"....

So many things currently dangle precociously close to the edge of a cliff. It all depends on "...", fill in the blank. It's uncomfortable.
I am one of those people who loves absolutes, I would rather live with a definitive "NO!" then a half-hearted 'maybe'. I hate that word. If I was being totally honest, probably my least favorite words in the whole dictionary are "maybe" and "possibly". But my life seems to be full of them.
The question is, do I trust God enough? Even with the "maybe"s?  My own mind taunts me with questions; "Will she keep her GPA up? Will it stay high enough for a scholarship? Can she even graduate? Will she be able to afford the school? " -and to each of these questions, the only reply I hear is; "MAYBE."  If I get caught thinking too long, my mind wanders to; "Will I be able to get a job out of college? Will I ever have a husband and kids? Will I be able to afford to live and pay off loans?"

To which, I have to stop and scream; "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!"... yeah, it's bad when I get caught thinking too much.

But here's the thing. Why do I want to go to college-ultimately? Yes, a husband would be nice, a degree would be great-and living on my own would be so much fun right now!! But ultimately? The reason I want to go to school is so that I can honor and glorify God with every single step of my life. I believe that by getting a degree, I can use it to magnify God. I know that I am most satisfied and most happy, when I rest in the glory of God.

So if where I truly want to be, is wherever God puts me, then I *have* to learn to be okay with the "maybe"s, because that's where he has put me.
...
The only way to describe the way I feel is with a word picture.

This is a bus stop. What do you do at a bus stop? Obviously, you wait for a bus. Now imagine for a moment-that you started out at this bus stop with a group of friends 3 years ago. You all had on these funny looking gowns and hats, and you all were excited about having just graduated. Some of your friends are a little older, but most had the same looking gown as you. You knew some of your friends were going to go off on certain buses, and that you probably wouldn't see them again for a long time.
So together you all sit and wait for the different buses you've been looking for.... a few of your friends hop on the University bus, some hop on the 'relationship' bus, still, some of your older friends even wind up having kids, getting a diploma, or getting a big shiny rock on their left hand. ....and still you wait. Your bus has not come yet. A whole year passes, and all your university friends have left...... the second year passes, and some friends take the bus that has other friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, or in-state schools, we all know that bus; "The Busy Bus", these friends may live near the bus stop, but their buses route schedule never allows time for them to come sit with you.
Finally, it's the 3rd year. Hear you sit, your graduation cap and gown are looking a little sadder now, and the bus stop is looking quite empty. You thought your bus was going to come last year... but there were some complications, and your bus got delayed. You've done your best to smile and wave at the people leaving, but it seems as though the loneliness and anxiousness continues to build. There are a few stragglers left behind, and for that you are thankful, you get to talk to them every once in a while. The encouragement they give you to 'keep waving, keep waiting, some day your bus will come!' is helpful, but the mantra is starting to get old..........

But then, another bus rounds the corner, it looks like the front of your bus!!! Could it be??? ...

To which the answer is a very loud " MAYBE!!! ".


Discouraged and hopeful. How do those two things fit together?? I don't completely understand it, but it's reality. When you start to think that maybe it IS the bus you've been waiting for, what if it's not what you were expecting? What happens while your on the bus, and what happens when I have to get off??
This is the picture that has been running through my mind.

The question is, do I trust God, even with the maybe's? The sad truth is-no, I don't... I need supernatural help! My faith is being stretched, and I'm learning to trust. I like it better when the answer is either a "yes" or a "no". I can live with that! I'm learning to enjoy resting in the 'possibles' and enjoying the time at the 'bus station'. Sure, not a whole lot of people are there with me, but that's okay, I can wave as other cars go by, I can sing, I can stop and look at the stars. I won't be able to look at the stars when my bus comes. I can enjoy the smell of the rain, and the alone time I have. -Those things won't be there when the bus comes.
(Think family time, alone time, quiet time with God,my own room.... I know, the way I think is weird!)

Trust is a hard thing, but I know in the long run, it's better...I'm learning to be okay with the answer "maybe", it's infinitely more biblical:

~James 4:15~ "Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."'