(SORRY GIRLS)
And if your a friend of mine who's a guy. Chill out. There's no subliminal messages here. If I wanted to tell you something, I'd say it to your face.
Secondly, I'm not an expert on this stuff. I've never had a boyfriend. So if you hate what I say... move along...
That being said.
A guy friend of mine read my last post, and suggested I write on the "Friend Zone".
Now. Before you go yelling at me and I get angry comments.... let's define the friend zone.
There's having a guy/girl friend, and then there's the "friend zone". There is a large difference between the two.
The simplest way to put this is one sentence: "There are certain things you should do with only your girlfriend."
I have a lot of great guy friends. Honestly ladies, sometimes you're the most confusing species in the entire world. I swear. Guys will straight up tell you if you look nasty, and most of the time their opinion of you doesn't change based on what color the sky is that morning.
A friend will respect boundaries if you put them there. Ladies, you need to be brave enough to say to a guy EARLY ON IN YOUR FRIENDSHIP "I'm not comfortable with that." If he's really your friend, he'll respect your boundaries. If he doesn't, then you need to find a different friend.
Guys: PLEASE. PLEASE. Tell us if you have different intentions than straight-up friendship. I've heard we tend to read into things, which is probably true. So just save yourself the trouble of having to watch your friend eat a whole half-gallon of icecream.
Friendship between a guy and a girl happens only when both of them are willing to be honest with each other, and respect the other. A guy can be a gentleman, and not be leading you on. In fact, the friend that suggested I write this is a great example of that. He will open doors for a lady, and treat her like she's worth something.
But see, the "friend zone" needs to be avoided at all costs. The people who live in the friend zone are weird. But you know them; This is the guy who will fawn all over you, but never wants to date you. (and vice versa for the girl) this is the guy who says "I LOVE YOU!" and pays for your meals, but won't pay for the ring.
This is the place where girls will tickle you, bake food, buys you things randomly, and flirts mercilessly, but refuses to be your wife.
THAT. My friend, is the Friend Zone.
And it's a very bad place to be.
Sometimes it's up to you when you cross the line into the "Friend Zone". For instance, I absolutely love having people over to my house and cooking for them. It's an absolute joy for me. I love watching people's faces light up when they eat some new recipe I tried. Guys like food. Guys are honest. So I invite guys over to try different food. If they hate it, they should tell me.
BUT.
If a guy starts coming over once a week to eat food that I wasn't planning on him eating.... then he's crossed the line.
LADIES: The "Friend Zone" is crossed when you allow the guy to believe your dating. Because taking this advice just from a chick doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I'm going to include a quote from a conversation with my friend (Who happens to be a guy):
"The bad "Friend Zone" for ladies comes when they go out for coffee with a guy friend and expect him to pay; they wanna go hang out with a bunch of mutual friends but the guy drives consequently paying for gas; (when she) LETS him put his arm around her, take her to movies, and thus gives him the impression they're dating but the next day she does the whole thing over again with another guy." -M.S.Come on girls, I know we're stupid sometimes, but you know how it feels to be "led on" by a guy.... don't do it to him.
There's nothing wrong with watching a movie with your guy friend. Just make sure when you do, you make sure he understands it's not a date. Not because you *love* making things awkward between your friends.... but because you love him as a Christian sister, and want to make sure you don't hurt him---i.e. RESPECT HIM.
Too often we girls get so caught up in telling guys that they need to be respectable and treat us like ladies, that we forget we need to respect them. How are they supposed to reach a standard even we don't believe they can reach?
You know what? This all boils down to something God outlined in the Scriptures a *long* time ago.
"Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:31)
Be love to them. Not the wife/husband relationship, treat them as your sibling... If anyone were to attack (verbally or physically) one of my younger brothers, you'd better believe that person would be going home with a black eye. (Violence is not the answer....But you get my concept) He's your brother, so don't be one of those people who deserves a black eye.
Guys, she's your sister. Treat her like you would want your own daughter to be treated.... and don't be afraid to tease her like you would your own sister.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
It's time to Man-Up ya'll. Ladies, it's time to show a little respect:
I have not read your previous post you referenced in the beginning, so I apologize if I get the context wrong. But I have always seen the friend zone as they guy who wants to date the girl, but she "just wants to be friends". This is a good post about boundaries in a friendship between a guy and a girl, but I'm not sure if "friend zone" is the right phrase here. It is somewhat misleading.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of that facebook image that was going around that said something like "where did all the good guys go? In the friend zone where you put them." This statement is sometimes true, we guys take the bad rap for being jerks but sometimes the "good ones" get overlooked because they don't stand out like the bad boys. So, to that end some girls need to re-evaluate what they are looking for in a husband. Now, the opposite side of the issue here is that the guy should respect that he is in "the friend zone" when put there and understand that there may be a very good reason she put you there.
In the end however we are all broken and sinful people bound to make mistakes and before anyone seeks a spouse he or she should seek Christ.
Ben, although I understand somewhat where you're coming from... that's exactly why I defined the term in my post. There is a large difference between being a girls friend and asking her out, and having her reply "I'm sorry, I don't think of you like that" and being stuck just as a friend...
DeleteAnd asking her out, having her reply; "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in you like that." And then have her continue to do things with you that make you wish you were her boyfriend still.
That I would consider the friend zone.
Whoever it is, guy or girl... should be willing to look out for the other persons feelings, and do everything they can to protect them from that kind of pain.
:) Hope that clears some things up!
I do agree that both guys and girls need to stop looking for a "feeling" and start looking for who God has planned for them. If he/she feels led that you aren't it, then he/she needs to back off. :)