"Am I a good girl?" "Am I doing the adult thing right?"

 "Am I lovely?"
          "Do you see me, do you WANT to see me?"
                                                                "Will you fight for me?"
                                                                                 "Am I good enough?"

These questions which are silently asked by many girls, are our deepest questions. We want to be pleasing. Physically, spiritually, emotionally.... in fact our fear is so deep that when someone walks away from us in our lives-many times we assume that it is because we were either "Too much" or "not enough".

I find myself while I am at school, trying to make new adult decisions. I am standing on what feel like wobbly legs. It's almost as if I am like a young horse attempting to stand on it's own for the first time. But many times, instead of taking those first few steps-I keep turning back around and asking those around me "Are you sure I can do this?" "Am I doing this right?" "Am I good enough?" One of the deepest cries of my heart is that God and his people would be pleased with me. If I get the slightest inclination that someone is upset, displeased, or uncomfortable about something I am doing-
                                                                                               I hide.
I shy away from that which I have been called. I refuse to walk because I'm afraid I'll fall. I'm afraid to fall because my biggest fears are 'being a disappointment' and that I am not doing enough or doing far too much.
But see, when you hide and are afraid to walk, especially you young women attempting adult life--when we are so caught up in the question of "Am I pleasing God", sometimes we forget the core of the gospel is that the answer is: "YES, YES, A MILLION TIMES YES!". But not because we've accomplished something of our own. No, God is pleased because of the work on the cross-Jesus' word's on the cross were;
          "It is finished" not "Now please me."

Colossians 1:22 says  that the point of the cross was this: "But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—" and since that work is finished, we need to take the light yoke that the Lord has promised us. (Matt 11:30 'For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.')

"The reason we fear to step out is because we know that it might not go well (is that an understatement?). We have a history of wounds screaming at us to play it safe. We feel so deeply that if it doesn't go well, if we are not received well, their reaction becomes the verdict on our lives, on our very beings, on our hearts. We fear that our deepest doubts about ourselves as women will be confirmed. Again. ...That is why we can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God. When we have received his verdict on our lives-that we are chosen and dearly loved. That He finds us captivating. Then we are free to offer"
 - John and Stasi Eldredge--"Captivating"


 ......We have to receive the gift of rest, because we have a God who sees and cares and notices. He will not become undone. He remains un-overwhelmable…Choosing to please God sounds right at first, but it so often leads to a performing life, a girl trying to become good, a lean-on-myself theology. If I am trying to please God, it is difficult to trust God. But when I trust God, pleasing Him is automatic."
- Emily P. Freeman -- "Grace for the Good Girl"

Jehovah Jireh!

As many of you know, over the holidays I got very sick. I missed about 2 months worth of work, which made paying for school extremely difficult. I know the Lord has provided every moment, yet I consistently find myself doubting.

Wednesday morning, the 21^st of January I began to panic about money yet again. “Was LU really God’s will for my life? Did I make the wrong decision? Am I walking in communion with the Lord—or am I trying to make my desires fit into God’s picture of my life?”

My monthly payment comes out every 25^th of the month and I just was not going to be able to make this one. I went to breakfast with a friend and I remember telling her that I just felt overwhelmed. She encouraged me and I continued on my way. I worked until 5ish and then went to dinner before attending Campus Community, a Bible Study for us kids on campus. I do what's called "CSER" there (required Christian Service Hours). I generally love it, but this Wednesday I just wanted desperately to go home and rest.
But I went begrudgingly at the coaxing of a friend. Work had me exhausted, I felt overwhelmed, and I was dirty and gross from working all day, I hadn't had the chance to change out of my work clothes.

We did our CSER by greeting at the doors, and then sat down for the message. We are going through Galatians and talked about how the gospel is based off of grace, not works. Jesus pays our debt. We can rest in his provision.

Somehow out of this, our Campus Pastor declared "is anyone here seriously worried about debt?" and I immediately started to cry. He asked if any of us would like prayer to go ahead and come down the isle. Yet again, my friend encouraged me to go. So I did. At this point, I'm a hot mess. I begin to pray along side of a couple of other kids. The pastor goes "alright, you guys are all dismissed, but if anyone would like to come up here and pray for these kids or give them something, and just be the church to them, please feel free."

The Campus Community showed me what Christ’s body is supposed to look like. I was encouraged with sweet words and prayed over. Kids just kept pouring forward and handing me cash!
I was handed cash by students I didn’t even know! I know that students here are broke too, ramen noodles and Dollar Tree toilet paper are all of us kids best friends. What I witnessed Wednesday night reminded me of the passage that Paul wrote about in 2 Corinthians 8:2 “In the midst of a very severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity.”

I went home extremely floored by the grace of God and his rich generosity by his children to his children.  My pockets were filled with dollar bills. I got home and wept with joy as I began to count it.  My brothers and sisters in Christ ended up giving me $342---Which was precisely what I needed to make my payment on Sunday! The Lord paid my bill, yet again. He used his children to prove to a doubting Thomas that he is faithful-always.

I want to say thank you to the kids who gave me money, prayed for me, and spoke words of encouragement to me. I have no idea who you are, but the Lord used you to speak to me in a very tangible way.

Please remember that the Lord is good in the great times and bad.  The Lord sees, hears, and cares for our every need. He provided what I needed exactly 4 days before the payment was due. God is never late; he is always right on time. We can rest peacefully in his provisional arms.